The Voice of Truth

This has been a hard month. I know it's only May 4th, but May has been unusually disappointing. Normally around this time, all of my stored up happiness and excitement starts to spill out and I experience real enjoyment. I am normally out running around looking for a park to go to or things for Eric and I to do outside. However, not today, or the past few days, for that matter. All that I have felt like doing is sitting inside and staring out the patio door watching everyone else outside enjoying themselves. This could also be because every time I go outside my neighbor wants to talk... not just the typical "hi, how are you", but the meaningful, deep, what am I doing with life conversations. :)

I feel like there are so many things in life that I could be excited about, but I can't. I can't because I have to protect myself. That's what everyone tells me, at least! I'm just getting so tired of constantly having my protection guard up. I want to love someone unconditionally and know that they are mine and I don't have to give them back. I know this sounds totally selfish, but I'm just trying to be honest. I'm hurt to think that I have to raise money, not just a little money but thousands of dollars to have a child and then wait months not knowing what's happening to my child, while someone else goes into the hospital and pays $200 and within 72 hours walks out the door with their baby. I'm just confused! I just feel so helpless! I'm also not saying that by having your own child you are less of a person or not as strong, but it's just different.

I'm sorry if this seems like a depressing post, I just had to share! I've been feeling this way for a while and just needed to get it off my chest. It's actually kind of funny because I just heard the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. I think that during all these times of struggles I've been letting Satan get me down. It's just hard to think positive when there are so many negative things going on around you. Please just continue to pray for me and for Eric. I know this has been a hard time for Eric too. He's had to deal with all of this plus deal with an emotional wife that cries at the sound of the phone ringing! :) :)

Thank you guys for reading this. Seriously, it means so much to me to know that people actually care to read my blog! I love you guys! :)