I've got Jesus

So about 6-9 months or so ago Jesus and I had one of those make it or break it moments. I remember sitting in the back of church and looking out over the sea of people and thinking, "I have done this all my life. Come to church, sat through worship, listened to the preacher. Repeat for 30 years.". I mean from the time I was born, no conceived (I'm a preachers kids) I have heard about Jesus... literally ALL.OF. MY. LIFE!

For some reason this particular day I had just had enough. I was sick of church. I was sick of everyone getting dressed up and all of us filling an empty warehouse where we would sing some songs, smile at one another (if we accidentally made eye contact) and than leave and not be changed. I was sick of pretending like we all loved this Man who died for our sins, yet we still had no clue how to tell others about Him. I was sick of having to go through a 5 step plan on how to lead someone to Christ, when in reality, if we truly believed what said we did, we wouldn't need anything.  Just.Plain. Sick.Of.It.All!!!

So I went to this women's conference where Elise Fitzpatrick spoke and the things she said ROCKED my world. She spoke about Grace. Something I had heard growing up in the church, but I guess never fully understood. The way that she talked about her relationship with Jesus seemed so real. Not like mine, which was full of guilt and the feeling like God was always angry or disappointed with me. Or the feeling like at some point in the day I was probably going to spontaneously combust for not doing my devotions or praying.

I realized that I had made God/Jesus into this Big, Angry, Scary guy who cared less about me and in fact took pleasure in seeing me fail. I realized that I had heard the stories about Jesus all my life, but never truthfully believed them.

Now fast forward to today and things are so different. For once in my life I actually wake up in the morning with the desire to spend time with Jesus. It's honestly my favorite part of the whole day (plus it's nap time, which let's just be honest, that in and of itself is awesome). I've made one end of my kitchen table kind of my devotion area. I have pens, sparkly gel pens, post its, a journal, my Bible, and a couple books that I keep there. It's the perfect area that helps keep my mind free from wandering.

Another thing I've realized about myself during this seeking time period, is that when I don't have Jesus, I am a really cynical, overly sarcastic, non compassionate, negative person. I remember back six months ago I would look out among the people who were worshipping in church and I would think, "hm.. I wonder what that person is really like?". In fact, my cynicism even stopped myself from truly worshipping, because I was so worried that people would think I was a hypocrite if they saw me raising my hands. But now, to put it bluntly. I just don't care. I am not a perfect person in any way, but Jesus is way more important and if I can't allow myself to feel comfortable by raising my hands in a worship environment than what would I do if someone ever asked me about Him in another environment.

Anyway, I know this is a lot of different thoughts kind of jumbled up into one big post. Just wanted to share with you what Jesus has been doing in my life. :)