Restless

I've often heard other adoptive mama's say that adoption is one of the hardest things they have ever been through. I've never given birth to a biological child, so I don't know the pains that come with that. However I am very familiar with the pain that comes with adoption. I've heard people use the phrase that some people grow babies in their bellies and with adoption you grow them in your heart. A biological childbirth brings forth physical pain, and adoptive childbirth brings forth emotional pain. I'm not at all saying that having biological children is not emotional, because I've been around some of you while you've been preggo, and let me tell you.. Praise Jesus that baby has been born. :) I also can't imagine the emotional tole that it must take on someones body to have another human being inside of you. I have a hard enough time taking care of my own body.

Adoption is painful people! It hurts! The unknown makes it nearly impossible to bear, but the end result is totally worth it. I'm sure some of you reading this, who are in the process are totally rolling your eyes at this point.. i know, I've been there. I'm telling you though, since I've been through one adoption, I'm able to believe that there is an end in sight. However, it's still tough.

Some of you may know that Eric and I are choosing to adopt for the second time. This time we are a lot more open to age and the possibly of a sibling group. We are also choosing to adopt through the US Foster Care System. This is a whole other beast of it's own. You literally search the web and look at hundreds of pictures of kids and base your decisions mostly based off of their looks and their one paragraph write up. It's heartbreaking. Each child that I click on, I try to imagine myself being their mama and loving them the way that I love my sweet Mar. After you inquire about a child this is where it gets really tough. You literally sit and wait for the social worker to contact you. Sometimes they call, sometimes they don't. Being a social worker, I feel that I need to explain from their point of view. They are literally getting hundreds of home-studies, and their job is to choose the perfect family from that large stack. Hello, pressure!

Right now we are in the waiting stage. We have sent off probably 30 inquiries and heard back from about 5 social workers. We have no clue what time frame we are looking at.  All I can literally do is...wait.

If you are reading this I covet your prayers. We are so excited about the thought of adding onto our family through adoption. Please pray that I can sit back and chill and realize that God's got my back. He's my eyes, ears, hands, in completing this adoption. He has to be! There are too many things that could go wrong and too many opportunities for us to get looked over. So HE literally has to be in control.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" Exodus 14:14

At least once a week I sit down at the computer after Mar goes to sleep and I see the link on my Bookmark Bar titled "my blog". Just seeing it makes me feel bipolar from the wide variety of emotions it brings. I think about how much I really do enjoy writing and yet its a sore reminder of the 15th time I've "restarted my blog". It also reminds me of the times I would sit down at the computer completely broken and spill my guts out  and then get up feeling pretty darn good. One thing I've realized about myself is that I am pretty much a spot on people pleaser. I love making people happy. In the past I have blogged for other people or so that I would receive praise and acknowledgement of how awesome I am. Seriously, not joking. Lame, I know. As I'm learning in other areas of my life, putting forth personal goals and accomplishing them should be something you do for yourself, not others. Serving others is crucial in this self glorifying world we live in, but there is some truth to doing something for yourself. 

A few days ago I had a good friend over who has recently started a new blog. Check it out here. Heather's Blog She mentioned that she kept a list of topics she wanted to discuss on hand, so that when she was having a "I can't think of anything to say" morning, she could pull out one of her other topics she had already thought of and type away. I loved this idea, so that's my plan. Being a stay at home mom of one child (2 year old) means that most of my day is filled with ABC's, coloring, blowing bubbles and naps…oh my gosh I love naps! So the 2+ hours that my daughter sleeps is mostly spent sitting for a few minutes to soak in some She Reads Truth, sprinting around the house trying my best to pick up my daughters toys, and clean up the cheerios that she and our dog missed. C'mon, I know I'm not the only one who uses their dog as a vacuum. This time is also sometimes spent thinking about different things going on in my life or a friends and I'm almost always drawn to write out my thoughts, but for one reason or another I don't. 

With us moving recently, I've found myself so looking forward to nap time. Not just because I can sit for 2 hours without small feet stepping all over me or someone chasing me to EVERY part of my house… i mean EVERY part of my house...which includes the bathroom people, but because I can sit outside, soak in the sunshine and dive into what God is going to teach me that day. I'm not joking, I honestly feel like one of those people who would get to class 20 minutes early because they were so excited to learn. Also, for the record, this was never me. I was usually the person who got to class late, if I even went at all. God is stirring up something within me, that is literally drawing me closer to Him. I write this because God is speaking to me about certain topics and it's not that my opinion is so profound, but it's that I believe we need to start sharing our story more. I know, that we need to have friends "in real life" too, but in the world we live in blogging has become a great way for people who are normally too shy or busy, to share their life and story with others. Or sometimes, people like myself, need to put our thoughts on paper first, before they fly out of our mouths. This is a whole different post that will be coming at some point. 

So, if you're still reading, please be patient with me as I try once again, for the 16th time to "restart my blog". Some of the topics that I want to discuss in the near future include:

Adoption

Infertility

Church

Relationship with God

Friendship

Running

Sexual Abuse

Blogging

Parenting

Staying at home

Eating healthy

Community - sharing your life story with others

Looking forward to writing more soon.