Wendi Lynn

 This is the third time I've sat down to write this post. Each time it's just been too hard. I've had to get up every time because I couldn't see through the tears. Today while reading a book about breaking the bondage of destructive eating habits, I couldn't help but think about my sweet friend Wendi Lynn Roper who lost her fight with depression on August 17, 2010 at the age of 27. 

I met Wendi my Junior Year of college. We had several classes together and shared the common interest of drawing pictures during class, playing MASH until we were in tears from laughing, and helping each other with some of the most unfair things this world can throw at two ladies in their 20's. 

  It was my senior year that I caught Wendi purging in the bathroom during revival at church. She was angry and so embarrassed that her secret was out. I was furious with her and so, so scared for her. Wendi had been struggling with depression and an bulimia for several years. She tried her best to hide it and honestly she was really good at it. The girl always had a smile on her face. It was her goal in life to make you smile. 

Over the next year and half Wendi and I had many talks about food, contentment and past scars.  I saw Wendi go from someone who always hid her true emotions behind her smile to a beautiful person who started loving herself again. The last time I saw Wendi she was so beautiful. She was healthy, and so proud of the hard work she had put into getting herself healthy again.  Somewhere around my senior year Wendi and I lost contact. She had graduated and moved to CA. She was doing so well the last time we talked on the phone. 

If Wendi were here today I would give her a great big hug and thank her for being such an amazing friend to me for a year and half. I would remind her of the time she rolled her hair up in my car window and we laughed until our stomachs hurt. I would tell her that she was stunning. Literally she was so beautiful, ya'll. Her spirit was so giving. I would reminisce with her about our many sleepovers. I would tease her about her lack of cleanliness. Lastly, I would fall to my knees and BEG her to run to Jesus and ask Him to show her the way that HE sees her. 

. 

My heart is full

I am so blessed. 

My family just spent 4 days at Grammie's house and we all left feeling so full. According to my brother-n-law we had full bellies and full vehicles (Christmas gifts). I also felt full because it was just the time I personally needed to escape the normal everyday routine and be surrounded with down-to-earth, Jesus lovers. :)

So what did we do? We stayed up late, played Taboo and Draw Something, drank lots of coffee and tea, ate such GOOD food, laughed, got frustrated because sometimes being a mom of a 2 year old is tough, ran, watched youtube videos, listened to the boys home made beat box videos, jumped in the bouncy house in the BACK YARD (Seriously, what an amazing Grammie), smiled until my face hurt, watched the boys home made videos, listened to Christmas Carolers who showed up at the door, shopped, drank more coffee and tea and talked until my throat felt dry.

My heart was so full when we left. I think I smiled the whole way home. :) 

In October Eric, Marlee and I moved into our 3rd house since Marlee has been born. Yes she's only 2, so we've moved a lot. And no, we aren't moving EVER again! Just to give you an idea of how serious I am about my last statement, here are a few facts for you. This move will be the 10th move since we've been married. We were married 8 years ago. Let's just say 2008 was a rough one! Just in 2008 alone we lived in 4 different places. Two of which were in another country. So like I said, we are NEVER moving again.  

We moved to our current house in August and we are LOVING it! It's an older house and has the layout that we were dreaming of. Better then that is the location. It's just miles to Walmart Neighborhood Market and Target! Like 2 miles from Target. What more could a girl ask for? Well, there is one thing. Starbucks. Good news we have those too. 4 of them. All within about 5 miles. 

We've been staying extremely busy with projects - some we've wanted to do and many we haven't. Like painting the trim. In the E N T I R E house! 

I hope to put up some before and after pictures once we start completing rooms. Although, I'm just going to be honest, it may be a while. Since we're planning on dying in this house, we have the rest of our lives. So no rush on flipping this baby. It's ours for a verrry long time. 

If you think about it please pray for all three of us. Even though there is much excitement that comes with moving there is also even more newness. New house, new area, new friends (even though we're only 30 mins from our old house), new small group. Thankfully we're still going to the same church. 

I'll leave you with a few pictures. :)

Marlee's Birthday! 

One of our favorite spaces at the new house!

Enjoying a local park!

Seriously! Cuteness overload!

Eternity

This Christmas we are staying home. We've decided we're going to make this a every other year tradition. Partially because of the amount of traveling but even more so because we really want to slow down and start making our own Christmas traditions.

I wanted to share with you all ANOTHER sermon that I listened to. I know, I know, when do I have time to listen to all these sermons. It's a lovely time called N A P T I M E. Literally, one of my favorite parts of the day. 

This sermon is from The Village Church. Here is the link to the actual sermon. A History of Darkness and Depravity. It hit home with me this last week when I listened because I've felt what they've described. Actually, I've felt it after every Christmas.

The feeling of discontentment. The feeling of "that's it"?

 Around this time of year our media tells us that if we just get this one item or if we just buy this one item for this person, then we will have true joy. It creates this false since of hope. Why? Because it doesn't last. It's temporary. 

" He has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

Ecclesiastes 3:11b

Did you catch that. He PUT eternity into my heart. He created me with a longing for something more. Something that can't be satisfied by buying a gift for myself or someone else. Something that can't be satisfied by starting traditions or spending time with friends and family. This is something that only He can fill. 

It's encouraging to look back and see the discontentment that I've felt over the years, I can see that my soul is on track. It's longing for something greater. I have yet to be satisfied with earthly pleasure. Even though I've thought if I could just get this, then I'll be happy. It's never lasted! I've ultimately been dissatisfied. Longing for something greater. 

I always think it's so awesome to read verses like this that were written thousands of years ago and see just how true they are. This is SO relevant. Maybe even more so then it was back then. Thank the LORD for His Word. 

I wanted to leave you with this quote from C.S. Lewis that Pastor Matt quoted in his sermon. 

"If I find in myself desires

 which nothing in this world can 

satisfy,the only logical explanation

 is that I was made for another world." 

Just a little update on the running schedule. I'm still set for race day in April. That gives me just 4 months to continue training. YIKES! 

My run today was good. It had been a week since I've run, so I was a little more tired then normal, but I made it. In the rain, I must add. Okay not just any rain, but NC downpour! It felt great! Just for your enjoyment here is a pic, post run. If you look close enough at the green shirt you can see just how wet I was. Also the purple pull over, is normally LIGHT purple not dark. :) I was SOAKED!

Another thing I have to share with you all happened after I told someone I was training for a half marathon. DUN DUN DUN .... They called me an athlete! No one has EVER, EVER referred to this girl as an athlete. Even though, I was on the soccer team in High School, I was far from an athlete. More like an out of shape, accident waiting to happen. So funny story. When I played soccer in High School I sprained my foot from....you guessed it.... kicking the GROUND! Yeah I know, I was terrible! I spent most of my career as a soccer player sitting on the sidelines with a sprained ankle. Which honestly, I was so relieved by, because I was terrified at the thought of being put in the game. The sprained ankle may or may not have been an "accident". I will never tell! :) Now you can rejoice with me in how happy I was to be called an ATHLETE today! :):)

Update to stumbling block

This week has been a rough one. I shared with you in a previous post that I am deeply struggling with comparison and learning to be content with my own life. While praying this week, I was hoping that I would be justified in my thoughts of "everyone else" has a problem and look at how they brag about their life through social media. Look at how much they need people to validate them through their blogging, instagram pics, or Facebook posts. However....

Ya'll, I was so wrong. 

This was one of the many times that I've tried to cover up being so concerned with other people, that I wasn't looking at my own heart. During small group, I brought the topic up of people using Social Media as their platform for pride. I was floored at the overwhelming response of ladies who also struggled with viewing other peoples lives as so much better than their own. However, I was even more surprised at the thoughts that MOST of the ladies had. Most of my friends saw this as their own inward problem. A problem with them. Them not being content with the person God had made them. Them not being able to be joyful and happy for others in their time of celebration and happiness. Whew.. this stung! This was so me. It's funny, when I started the conversation I was loud and proud, but as the conversation ended I felt humbled and overwhelmingly sad. Sad, because I realized that I cannot be joyful for other people without a smidgen of jealousy coming in. I cannot be joyful for my friends, my family.

Well their is a happy ending to this story. My small group leader suggested that I listen to the sermon from Mark Driscoll on Coveting. I attached a link in case anyone wants to hear it. Folks, I am telling you this sermon was LIFE CHANGING! Mars Hill - Coveting Sermon He said something that sat so heavy on my shoulders. He said, "Coveting often times isn't far away with people we don't know, but close by with people we do know" This is so me! I don't have a problem coveting movie stars, musicians or those I don't know. But you show me someone who is a stay at home mom and I start to freak out. I start looking at their clothes, kids, husband, personality, cooking, house...EVERTHING! Pastor Driscoll referenced this verse and it perfectly describes my struggle.

 1What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.  James 4:1-2

Another thing he said that stung a LOT was "Coveting does not allow us to rejoice with those who rejoice". He gave an example of someone announcing they are pregnant and you, as their friend or family member not being able to rejoice with them because you desire so deeply what they have. My friends that's coveting. It's okay to feel sad, but through our sadness we should still be able to REJOICE in their happiness. I don't ever want to become the person that friends avoid to share their good news with for fear of hurting me or worse my lack of response and happiness with them. 

In my previous blog I wrote, "I need to ask Him to let me catch a glimpse of the picture of His perfect daughter that He sees each time He looks at me. Instead of looking at the way that He created others, I first need to become content with myself." 

Stumbling Block

Oh dear, how did I allow over a month to go by without writing in my blog. Sorry. I told you it was going to take some time to get back into the habit of writing in here again.

Actually what I have on my heart today may be part of the reason why I haven't written for a while. If you haven't followed my blog from the beginning and you didn't get a chance to check the title of the blog, you may not know that I struggle, I mean l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y STRUGGLE with contentment. This has been the biggest lesson in my life that God is trying to teach me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever fully "get it" until the day that I meet my sweet Jesus face to face and I no longer have the desire or even the physical ability to look for contentment from others. I will be so swept away in the beauty and perfection of being with Jesus. whew... it gives me goose bumps.

So how does discontentment lead to me not blogging? Well, glad you asked. The last few weeks I have been so absorbed by social media. I've been Facebook'ing, Instagram'ing, Pinterest'ing, Internet Surfing, Blog Reading. I've been absorbed. Absorbed in what other people are doing. I've been struggling with finding a healthy balance between keeping in touch with people and becoming infatuated with other peoples lives to the point where I glorify them. I've thought about getting rid of all forms of social media, but whether I like it or not, this is the world that my daughter is going to grow up in. I feel like it's my job as a parent to stay on top of this technology so that #1 I can keep my daughter safe and #2 I can stay up to date for when Marlee starts using the internet.

I guess my struggle is that in my opinion, social media (Blogs, Facebook, Instagram) for some (including myself) has become our podium for pride.  Let me explain. In my Facebook, Instagram and Blog feed I have been constantly BOMBARDED by people who are showing how great their house is, how cute their kid is, how creative they are, how talented they are, how awesome their life is. So I struggle with where the line is between sharing your life with others and bragging about it. I am guilty of this as well. When I post pictures or comments I love getting the feedback of how cute Marlee is or how awesome my house looks or whatever the comment may be. This type of feedback and these types of posts is what has lead me to grow discontent with my life time after time.

I know the answer is that I need to seek Jesus and beg him to show me what He sees when He looks at me.  I need to ask him to let me catch a glimpse of the picture of His perfect daughter that He sees each time He looks at me. Instead of looking at the way that He created others, I first need to become content with myself. Once I'm at a place where I can be happy with the person He has created me to be, I can then look and be happy and thankful for others.

Thanks for letting me share my heart. :)