Wendi Lynn

 This is the third time I've sat down to write this post. Each time it's just been too hard. I've had to get up every time because I couldn't see through the tears. Today while reading a book about breaking the bondage of destructive eating habits, I couldn't help but think about my sweet friend Wendi Lynn Roper who lost her fight with depression on August 17, 2010 at the age of 27. 

I met Wendi my Junior Year of college. We had several classes together and shared the common interest of drawing pictures during class, playing MASH until we were in tears from laughing, and helping each other with some of the most unfair things this world can throw at two ladies in their 20's. 

  It was my senior year that I caught Wendi purging in the bathroom during revival at church. She was angry and so embarrassed that her secret was out. I was furious with her and so, so scared for her. Wendi had been struggling with depression and an bulimia for several years. She tried her best to hide it and honestly she was really good at it. The girl always had a smile on her face. It was her goal in life to make you smile. 

Over the next year and half Wendi and I had many talks about food, contentment and past scars.  I saw Wendi go from someone who always hid her true emotions behind her smile to a beautiful person who started loving herself again. The last time I saw Wendi she was so beautiful. She was healthy, and so proud of the hard work she had put into getting herself healthy again.  Somewhere around my senior year Wendi and I lost contact. She had graduated and moved to CA. She was doing so well the last time we talked on the phone. 

If Wendi were here today I would give her a great big hug and thank her for being such an amazing friend to me for a year and half. I would remind her of the time she rolled her hair up in my car window and we laughed until our stomachs hurt. I would tell her that she was stunning. Literally she was so beautiful, ya'll. Her spirit was so giving. I would reminisce with her about our many sleepovers. I would tease her about her lack of cleanliness. Lastly, I would fall to my knees and BEG her to run to Jesus and ask Him to show her the way that HE sees her. 

. 

My heart is full

I am so blessed. 

My family just spent 4 days at Grammie's house and we all left feeling so full. According to my brother-n-law we had full bellies and full vehicles (Christmas gifts). I also felt full because it was just the time I personally needed to escape the normal everyday routine and be surrounded with down-to-earth, Jesus lovers. :)

So what did we do? We stayed up late, played Taboo and Draw Something, drank lots of coffee and tea, ate such GOOD food, laughed, got frustrated because sometimes being a mom of a 2 year old is tough, ran, watched youtube videos, listened to the boys home made beat box videos, jumped in the bouncy house in the BACK YARD (Seriously, what an amazing Grammie), smiled until my face hurt, watched the boys home made videos, listened to Christmas Carolers who showed up at the door, shopped, drank more coffee and tea and talked until my throat felt dry.

My heart was so full when we left. I think I smiled the whole way home. :) 

In October Eric, Marlee and I moved into our 3rd house since Marlee has been born. Yes she's only 2, so we've moved a lot. And no, we aren't moving EVER again! Just to give you an idea of how serious I am about my last statement, here are a few facts for you. This move will be the 10th move since we've been married. We were married 8 years ago. Let's just say 2008 was a rough one! Just in 2008 alone we lived in 4 different places. Two of which were in another country. So like I said, we are NEVER moving again.  

We moved to our current house in August and we are LOVING it! It's an older house and has the layout that we were dreaming of. Better then that is the location. It's just miles to Walmart Neighborhood Market and Target! Like 2 miles from Target. What more could a girl ask for? Well, there is one thing. Starbucks. Good news we have those too. 4 of them. All within about 5 miles. 

We've been staying extremely busy with projects - some we've wanted to do and many we haven't. Like painting the trim. In the E N T I R E house! 

I hope to put up some before and after pictures once we start completing rooms. Although, I'm just going to be honest, it may be a while. Since we're planning on dying in this house, we have the rest of our lives. So no rush on flipping this baby. It's ours for a verrry long time. 

If you think about it please pray for all three of us. Even though there is much excitement that comes with moving there is also even more newness. New house, new area, new friends (even though we're only 30 mins from our old house), new small group. Thankfully we're still going to the same church. 

I'll leave you with a few pictures. :)

Marlee's Birthday! 

One of our favorite spaces at the new house!

Enjoying a local park!

Seriously! Cuteness overload!

Eternity

This Christmas we are staying home. We've decided we're going to make this a every other year tradition. Partially because of the amount of traveling but even more so because we really want to slow down and start making our own Christmas traditions.

I wanted to share with you all ANOTHER sermon that I listened to. I know, I know, when do I have time to listen to all these sermons. It's a lovely time called N A P T I M E. Literally, one of my favorite parts of the day. 

This sermon is from The Village Church. Here is the link to the actual sermon. A History of Darkness and Depravity. It hit home with me this last week when I listened because I've felt what they've described. Actually, I've felt it after every Christmas.

The feeling of discontentment. The feeling of "that's it"?

 Around this time of year our media tells us that if we just get this one item or if we just buy this one item for this person, then we will have true joy. It creates this false since of hope. Why? Because it doesn't last. It's temporary. 

" He has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

Ecclesiastes 3:11b

Did you catch that. He PUT eternity into my heart. He created me with a longing for something more. Something that can't be satisfied by buying a gift for myself or someone else. Something that can't be satisfied by starting traditions or spending time with friends and family. This is something that only He can fill. 

It's encouraging to look back and see the discontentment that I've felt over the years, I can see that my soul is on track. It's longing for something greater. I have yet to be satisfied with earthly pleasure. Even though I've thought if I could just get this, then I'll be happy. It's never lasted! I've ultimately been dissatisfied. Longing for something greater. 

I always think it's so awesome to read verses like this that were written thousands of years ago and see just how true they are. This is SO relevant. Maybe even more so then it was back then. Thank the LORD for His Word. 

I wanted to leave you with this quote from C.S. Lewis that Pastor Matt quoted in his sermon. 

"If I find in myself desires

 which nothing in this world can 

satisfy,the only logical explanation

 is that I was made for another world." 

Just a little update on the running schedule. I'm still set for race day in April. That gives me just 4 months to continue training. YIKES! 

My run today was good. It had been a week since I've run, so I was a little more tired then normal, but I made it. In the rain, I must add. Okay not just any rain, but NC downpour! It felt great! Just for your enjoyment here is a pic, post run. If you look close enough at the green shirt you can see just how wet I was. Also the purple pull over, is normally LIGHT purple not dark. :) I was SOAKED!

Another thing I have to share with you all happened after I told someone I was training for a half marathon. DUN DUN DUN .... They called me an athlete! No one has EVER, EVER referred to this girl as an athlete. Even though, I was on the soccer team in High School, I was far from an athlete. More like an out of shape, accident waiting to happen. So funny story. When I played soccer in High School I sprained my foot from....you guessed it.... kicking the GROUND! Yeah I know, I was terrible! I spent most of my career as a soccer player sitting on the sidelines with a sprained ankle. Which honestly, I was so relieved by, because I was terrified at the thought of being put in the game. The sprained ankle may or may not have been an "accident". I will never tell! :) Now you can rejoice with me in how happy I was to be called an ATHLETE today! :):)

Update to stumbling block

This week has been a rough one. I shared with you in a previous post that I am deeply struggling with comparison and learning to be content with my own life. While praying this week, I was hoping that I would be justified in my thoughts of "everyone else" has a problem and look at how they brag about their life through social media. Look at how much they need people to validate them through their blogging, instagram pics, or Facebook posts. However....

Ya'll, I was so wrong. 

This was one of the many times that I've tried to cover up being so concerned with other people, that I wasn't looking at my own heart. During small group, I brought the topic up of people using Social Media as their platform for pride. I was floored at the overwhelming response of ladies who also struggled with viewing other peoples lives as so much better than their own. However, I was even more surprised at the thoughts that MOST of the ladies had. Most of my friends saw this as their own inward problem. A problem with them. Them not being content with the person God had made them. Them not being able to be joyful and happy for others in their time of celebration and happiness. Whew.. this stung! This was so me. It's funny, when I started the conversation I was loud and proud, but as the conversation ended I felt humbled and overwhelmingly sad. Sad, because I realized that I cannot be joyful for other people without a smidgen of jealousy coming in. I cannot be joyful for my friends, my family.

Well their is a happy ending to this story. My small group leader suggested that I listen to the sermon from Mark Driscoll on Coveting. I attached a link in case anyone wants to hear it. Folks, I am telling you this sermon was LIFE CHANGING! Mars Hill - Coveting Sermon He said something that sat so heavy on my shoulders. He said, "Coveting often times isn't far away with people we don't know, but close by with people we do know" This is so me! I don't have a problem coveting movie stars, musicians or those I don't know. But you show me someone who is a stay at home mom and I start to freak out. I start looking at their clothes, kids, husband, personality, cooking, house...EVERTHING! Pastor Driscoll referenced this verse and it perfectly describes my struggle.

 1What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.  James 4:1-2

Another thing he said that stung a LOT was "Coveting does not allow us to rejoice with those who rejoice". He gave an example of someone announcing they are pregnant and you, as their friend or family member not being able to rejoice with them because you desire so deeply what they have. My friends that's coveting. It's okay to feel sad, but through our sadness we should still be able to REJOICE in their happiness. I don't ever want to become the person that friends avoid to share their good news with for fear of hurting me or worse my lack of response and happiness with them. 

In my previous blog I wrote, "I need to ask Him to let me catch a glimpse of the picture of His perfect daughter that He sees each time He looks at me. Instead of looking at the way that He created others, I first need to become content with myself." 

Stumbling Block

Oh dear, how did I allow over a month to go by without writing in my blog. Sorry. I told you it was going to take some time to get back into the habit of writing in here again.

Actually what I have on my heart today may be part of the reason why I haven't written for a while. If you haven't followed my blog from the beginning and you didn't get a chance to check the title of the blog, you may not know that I struggle, I mean l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y STRUGGLE with contentment. This has been the biggest lesson in my life that God is trying to teach me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever fully "get it" until the day that I meet my sweet Jesus face to face and I no longer have the desire or even the physical ability to look for contentment from others. I will be so swept away in the beauty and perfection of being with Jesus. whew... it gives me goose bumps.

So how does discontentment lead to me not blogging? Well, glad you asked. The last few weeks I have been so absorbed by social media. I've been Facebook'ing, Instagram'ing, Pinterest'ing, Internet Surfing, Blog Reading. I've been absorbed. Absorbed in what other people are doing. I've been struggling with finding a healthy balance between keeping in touch with people and becoming infatuated with other peoples lives to the point where I glorify them. I've thought about getting rid of all forms of social media, but whether I like it or not, this is the world that my daughter is going to grow up in. I feel like it's my job as a parent to stay on top of this technology so that #1 I can keep my daughter safe and #2 I can stay up to date for when Marlee starts using the internet.

I guess my struggle is that in my opinion, social media (Blogs, Facebook, Instagram) for some (including myself) has become our podium for pride.  Let me explain. In my Facebook, Instagram and Blog feed I have been constantly BOMBARDED by people who are showing how great their house is, how cute their kid is, how creative they are, how talented they are, how awesome their life is. So I struggle with where the line is between sharing your life with others and bragging about it. I am guilty of this as well. When I post pictures or comments I love getting the feedback of how cute Marlee is or how awesome my house looks or whatever the comment may be. This type of feedback and these types of posts is what has lead me to grow discontent with my life time after time.

I know the answer is that I need to seek Jesus and beg him to show me what He sees when He looks at me.  I need to ask him to let me catch a glimpse of the picture of His perfect daughter that He sees each time He looks at me. Instead of looking at the way that He created others, I first need to become content with myself. Once I'm at a place where I can be happy with the person He has created me to be, I can then look and be happy and thankful for others.

Thanks for letting me share my heart. :)

Our Adoption Story

In the beginning I was excited as I sat on the floor of the bathroom waiting to see if the EPT would give me two lines or one. Two lines meant that you were pregnant, and one meant keep trying maybe next month. Soon these months turned into years and eventually I stopped taking the tests because I couldn't handle the disappointment anymore. It was heartbreaking to wait so anxiously to see if the second line would appear and sometimes I thought I saw it, but I didn't. After trying to get pregnant for 4 years without any success Eric and I finally decided to see an infertility specialist. This brought much heartache yet also confirmation that for this time God did not have it in his plans for us to have biological children. We were told by the specialist that it would cost nearly $25,000 for us to do in-vitro and there was a CHANCE that we could get pregnant. No guarantee. I remember leaving the office crying because I thought my dreams of having a family were over. I had always wanted to be a mom and this was the day that my dreams came unraveled.

After several months of praying and believing that God wouldn't have given us this desire to be parents if he didn't want us to have a child, we finally started the adoption process. This was in July 2010. By September we had all of our paperwork turned in and we were officially waiting! This was a HUGE day! This meant that all our work was done, now we had to trust that our agency was fighting for us and that God had his hand in the situation. A lot of people compare this time to being pregnant. You know you have a baby, but you have to wait months and months before he or she will arrive. 

On January 6th, 2011 we received a call from our agency saying that we had been picked by a birth mother and she was giving birth to a baby boy THAT NIGHT! The agency told us to go ahead and pack our bags and get a few things for the baby and prepare to come to South Carolina in the morning. Eric and I were so excited! We could barely move. We just stood there in the office of our house hugging and crying because we couldn't believe it had finally happened. We called our family and a few friends and told them the great news, we raced off to the store and bought a few baby items and a new video camera to take with us. That night we went to sleep with our suitcases, diaper bag and empty car seat sitting by the door. 

In the morning I hadn't heard from the agency so I decided to call. The social worker told us that the mom had given birth that morning and had decided to keep her baby. She said that if anything changed she would call us and let us know. I sunk onto the floor and wept! I was so heartbroken that I didn't have it in me to even call our family and friends so I just sent them a text saying the birth mom changed her mind, please pray for us. 

The following months were very difficult. Friends kept announcing they were pregnant, there were tons of baby showers. It was a constant reminder that I still didn't have what my heart so desired. 

In August I had had enough of the waiting. This is one thing about me, I have a really difficult time sitting still and waiting. In fact, let's just be honest and say that I suck at it. I emailed a friend who worked for an adoption agency and just vented to her all of my frustrations. She immediately replied back and said that I should contact Christian Adoption Services also known as CAS(a different agency then we were currently working with). I knew the rules about switching agencies and knew that if we did decide to switch we would most likely loose thousands of dollars. However, something inside me told me to make the call. So that day (told you I don't like to wait) I called CAS and explained to them our adoption situation and what we were open to. They said they would talk things over and get back with me. 

I didn't hear back for several days so on August 11th I called them (now you see my impatience). I ended up speaking to the director who told me about a little girl who had been born at 26 weeks and was currently in the NICU. She asked if this was something we would be interested in and I told her yes. On August 13th the director drove 2 1/2 hours to talk Face to Face with Eric and I about the little girl.  She told us that she was healthy but very tiny. She told us a few agency rules and lastly we asked her about the cost of the adoption. Remember we knew that by switching agencies we would loose thousands of dollars...$7,000 to be exact. When we asked her the cost of the adoption she gave us the exact number that we were expecting to pay but decided to take off $7,000 without even knowing that we were loosing that exact amount from the other agency. Let's just say that when she told us that number, there were tears everywhere. We knew at that moment that God had his hand in this situation and that this tiny little girl was our daughter.

On August 17th we got to meet our sweet Marlee for the first time. It was the best day of my life. I was so overwhelmed by God's goodness to me. I felt so undeserving to be this little girls mama. Marlee Joy was born August 4, 2011. She weighed 2 lbs 1 ounce. Here is a picture of the first time we laid eyes on her. 

Our sweet daughter is two years old now and we still feel just as blessed and undeserving as the day we met her in the NICU. She is truly our sweet little miracle and such a great example of how God cares about the desires of our hearts and wants to give us good things.

Fasting...

I was recently introduced to The Village Church  through my small group leader. I'm not super familiar with their church but I heard their Welcome Pastor preach on Gluttony. My thoughts (I guess I don't need to say this, because it is MY blog) are that the church doesn't focus enough attention on this issue. If you are at all interested in listening to this sermon follow this link. Defining Gluttony. It's actually a two part series. I highly recommend it!

Anyway, gluttony isn't really what's on my mind today. Fasting is. The verse that the speaker, Paul Matthies mentioned in his sermon was Matthew 6:17 "But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face" Notice the word here. When....not if, but when. When we fast! Ya'll (this is what we say in the south) can I just be honest. I have not been doing this. In fact the few times I have fasted, I've always treated it as a way to getting something, not at all as a time to show my reliance on Christ.

Since we are in this waiting time with our second adoption, I've started to feel this panicky feeling of what else can I do while I'm waiting. Anyone who's been through adoption, knows this feeling. All the paperwork is turned in, the agency is selected, you've told your family and friends and now you just sit and wait for that call or email. I remember this exact feeling with our first adoption. So what do I do during this time? Well, honestly I've filled my time with running, painting, spending time with friends, serving my neighbors, playing with Marlee, catching up on my favorite shows. All of this is fine and a great way to help the time go by. However I've realized that God wants me to be an active part of this waiting time specifically through fasting.

 Throughout the day I pray asking God to bless our situation and arrange the details of our next adoption. But once I've prayed then I check it off my list telling myself, "well I've done my part, the rest is up to God". This couldn't be further from the truth. My part is not over. I need to be down on my knees praying and fasting, proving to God (and myself) that I do indeed trust God and need Him.

I had a friend ask recently how she could support her friend who is also going through an adoption. Honestly, I didn't even mention fasting. With God's gentle reminder through this sermon,  fasting is the number one thing I would recommend. Set aside time where you can go without food, friends, tv, your phone, all the busyness and focus on God. Rely on God to fulfill you during this waiting time. Allow Him to transform you by showing you how much we do actually need to rely on Him. Adoption is a long, long journey and it becomes so much easier when we can show our reliance on Jesus. In fact, it allows you to be able to breath when the phone rings or you get a new email. It takes great trust in someone to allow them to work out the big and small details of adding someone to your family. Praise God this isn't solely up to us. We would be totally messed up, or at least I know I would.

April 13, 2014

 One of my personal goals for a long time now has been to run a half marathon. Today I officially made the commitment and signed up for the Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon! I was so shocked that I was actually committing to this so I decided to document my facial expression once I hit the submit button! So for your viewing pleasure...

*Please disregard the random washing machine and junk everywhere.. we just moved.. don't judge!

July 31st I realized that I had sat for way too long wishing I could be that person who learned to love running so I jumped up off the couch and started out walking walking. The next day, to my AMAZEMENT I ran, okay it was more of a hobble/jog 3.85 miles! I've never done that before! This gave me the confidence though to continue on. I found a program called GIPIS on my phone and downloaded it. This is what I've been using so far. I really like it. It has you doing something different everyday to build up your strength and endurance. It's so much better then the hundreds of other ways I've tried to "start running". 

I'm not going to lie, this has been really difficult. I am not a natural born runner. I also am not great at staying committed to things such as this. However, I must say I have actually started enjoying it. I hope that I can become an encouragement to others to START. You will be so happy that you did! :) 

Happy Thursday everyone. My little family is planning on enjoying some free music and a picnic tonight. :) 

Restless

I've often heard other adoptive mama's say that adoption is one of the hardest things they have ever been through. I've never given birth to a biological child, so I don't know the pains that come with that. However I am very familiar with the pain that comes with adoption. I've heard people use the phrase that some people grow babies in their bellies and with adoption you grow them in your heart. A biological childbirth brings forth physical pain, and adoptive childbirth brings forth emotional pain. I'm not at all saying that having biological children is not emotional, because I've been around some of you while you've been preggo, and let me tell you.. Praise Jesus that baby has been born. :) I also can't imagine the emotional tole that it must take on someones body to have another human being inside of you. I have a hard enough time taking care of my own body.

Adoption is painful people! It hurts! The unknown makes it nearly impossible to bear, but the end result is totally worth it. I'm sure some of you reading this, who are in the process are totally rolling your eyes at this point.. i know, I've been there. I'm telling you though, since I've been through one adoption, I'm able to believe that there is an end in sight. However, it's still tough.

Some of you may know that Eric and I are choosing to adopt for the second time. This time we are a lot more open to age and the possibly of a sibling group. We are also choosing to adopt through the US Foster Care System. This is a whole other beast of it's own. You literally search the web and look at hundreds of pictures of kids and base your decisions mostly based off of their looks and their one paragraph write up. It's heartbreaking. Each child that I click on, I try to imagine myself being their mama and loving them the way that I love my sweet Mar. After you inquire about a child this is where it gets really tough. You literally sit and wait for the social worker to contact you. Sometimes they call, sometimes they don't. Being a social worker, I feel that I need to explain from their point of view. They are literally getting hundreds of home-studies, and their job is to choose the perfect family from that large stack. Hello, pressure!

Right now we are in the waiting stage. We have sent off probably 30 inquiries and heard back from about 5 social workers. We have no clue what time frame we are looking at.  All I can literally do is...wait.

If you are reading this I covet your prayers. We are so excited about the thought of adding onto our family through adoption. Please pray that I can sit back and chill and realize that God's got my back. He's my eyes, ears, hands, in completing this adoption. He has to be! There are too many things that could go wrong and too many opportunities for us to get looked over. So HE literally has to be in control.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" Exodus 14:14

At least once a week I sit down at the computer after Mar goes to sleep and I see the link on my Bookmark Bar titled "my blog". Just seeing it makes me feel bipolar from the wide variety of emotions it brings. I think about how much I really do enjoy writing and yet its a sore reminder of the 15th time I've "restarted my blog". It also reminds me of the times I would sit down at the computer completely broken and spill my guts out  and then get up feeling pretty darn good. One thing I've realized about myself is that I am pretty much a spot on people pleaser. I love making people happy. In the past I have blogged for other people or so that I would receive praise and acknowledgement of how awesome I am. Seriously, not joking. Lame, I know. As I'm learning in other areas of my life, putting forth personal goals and accomplishing them should be something you do for yourself, not others. Serving others is crucial in this self glorifying world we live in, but there is some truth to doing something for yourself. 

A few days ago I had a good friend over who has recently started a new blog. Check it out here. Heather's Blog She mentioned that she kept a list of topics she wanted to discuss on hand, so that when she was having a "I can't think of anything to say" morning, she could pull out one of her other topics she had already thought of and type away. I loved this idea, so that's my plan. Being a stay at home mom of one child (2 year old) means that most of my day is filled with ABC's, coloring, blowing bubbles and naps…oh my gosh I love naps! So the 2+ hours that my daughter sleeps is mostly spent sitting for a few minutes to soak in some She Reads Truth, sprinting around the house trying my best to pick up my daughters toys, and clean up the cheerios that she and our dog missed. C'mon, I know I'm not the only one who uses their dog as a vacuum. This time is also sometimes spent thinking about different things going on in my life or a friends and I'm almost always drawn to write out my thoughts, but for one reason or another I don't. 

With us moving recently, I've found myself so looking forward to nap time. Not just because I can sit for 2 hours without small feet stepping all over me or someone chasing me to EVERY part of my house… i mean EVERY part of my house...which includes the bathroom people, but because I can sit outside, soak in the sunshine and dive into what God is going to teach me that day. I'm not joking, I honestly feel like one of those people who would get to class 20 minutes early because they were so excited to learn. Also, for the record, this was never me. I was usually the person who got to class late, if I even went at all. God is stirring up something within me, that is literally drawing me closer to Him. I write this because God is speaking to me about certain topics and it's not that my opinion is so profound, but it's that I believe we need to start sharing our story more. I know, that we need to have friends "in real life" too, but in the world we live in blogging has become a great way for people who are normally too shy or busy, to share their life and story with others. Or sometimes, people like myself, need to put our thoughts on paper first, before they fly out of our mouths. This is a whole different post that will be coming at some point. 

So, if you're still reading, please be patient with me as I try once again, for the 16th time to "restart my blog". Some of the topics that I want to discuss in the near future include:

Adoption

Infertility

Church

Relationship with God

Friendship

Running

Sexual Abuse

Blogging

Parenting

Staying at home

Eating healthy

Community - sharing your life story with others

Looking forward to writing more soon.